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It seems quaint to recall that once upon a time babies were allowed to grow and develop at their own pace, free of benchmarks, percentile groups, and the nervous eyes of competitive adults. Maybe it was because most parents of the era were too busy trying to scratch out a living from the barren family farm to give a damn, but still, for the babies the first couple of years were basically a free ride.
Now the grace period is up by the time they get to the hospital nursery, when the newborn is tossed into the developmental Olympics. On arrival they're given the Apgar test and scored on Activity (Muscle Tone), Pulse, Grimace (Reflex Irritability), Appearance (Skin Color), and Respiration, and we're off and running from there - measuring our babies against other babies.
We all need to do our part to keep this in check before it spreads like strep to all the mommies. Of course you're going to be proud of your baby's developmental accomplishments. There will be much excitement in your home the first time your baby crawls or waves bye-bye or sits up. But keep in mind that your baby sat up - he didn't discover a renewable energy source or land his own show on Nickelodeon. We've turned each natural act of growing into another way to show off. Like a Juicy Couture diaper bags, your child's age when she first walks is getting worn like a badge. I, for one, don't need this kind of pressure.
It doesn't do anyone good to constantly check to see how your baby is measuring up to other babies the same age. All babies do things at their own pace. At least that's what a new mother might think until she stumbles across books like Your Baby Week by Week and other handy primers that dictate what your baby should be accomplishing every seven days. Even though there is a little disclaimer that says, "This is an approximation and not all babies develop at the exact same rate," it's almost impossible not to get caught up in the hysteria.
Anyone prone to excess worry or competitiveness, and good luck finding a mom who isn't overcome by one of these emotions from time to time, can be traumatized by the developmental pressure. I had to toss my milestone book, because it prompted way too many calls to the pediatrician and endless nights on the Internet trying to sleuth out what was wrong with my daughter when she was nine days late in discovering her feet.
Whenever you're somewhere that mommies congregate, one of the first things a woman with a similarly aged baby will ask you is, "Is she doing such and such?" For some it genuinely is a friendly question, meant to break the ice. But in almost any assemblage of mommies there will lurk Competitive Mom. With this woman almost any question of this sort is actually the opening shot in a gunfight at the developmental corral. And you'd better know that the woman who shelled our eight hundred dollars for that top-shelf stroller is going to be equally invested in making sure her Brianna is the first in the playgroup to drink from a sippy cup. Thus begins a vicious cycle from which no baby will emerge unscathed: The competitive mom will open the competition by asking about something your baby is able to do, and then to top you she'll come up with something your baby can't do but hers is doing fantastically.
I can' tell you how many times I'd run into another mother at a coffee place, and before I'd even gotten out my order for a grande nonfat sugar-free vanilla latte, easy foam, I'd get, "How old's your baby? Seven months? Is she crawling yet?"
And I'd say, "No, not yet," and the other mother would give me that little pity smile, as if I'd told her my kid had a learning disability, and then she'd give me a little condescending "Don't worry, she'll get there."
I got so sick of it I came up with my own response.
After that, when I got the next "Is she crawling yet?" I'd answer, "No, but she's reading at a third grade level. Taught herself." Women like this have no sense of humor. They'd stare at me, mouth agape, until I looked at their baby and gave 'em the old, "Don't worry, she'll get there."
But even with my bravado I was still vulnerable to the developmental anxieties. Not smiling soon enough, what could that mean? Doesn't she like me? Will she ever walk? Why isn't she clapping yet? What if she never claps? She needs to get this clapping thing down or they'll think she's rude after puppet shows!
When a good friend called me to tell me that her baby, who was the exact same age as mine, was pulling up to a stand while mine was still lying on the floor like a puddle, I reacted as if my friend had won the lottery. (Okay, not the big lotto millions - more like a fifty dollar scratcher card, but still.) I hate to admit it, but I secretly wasn't happy for her, and I kind of hoped she was lying. I instantly felt like I'd failed somehow. Why wasn't my baby pulling up yet? I assumed it must be something I was doing wrong. And, sure enough, there were people all too happy to validate that fear.
I brought my daughter to a barbecue when she was eleven months old and not yet walking. The place was a madhouse, with approximately thirty-five people in a yard the size of a handicapped bathroom stall. New faces constantly presented themselves at close range to my daughter, who would scrunch up her face in fear. Needless to say, she was a bit overwhelmed. And needless to say, she spent the ninety minutes we were there in my arms or lap. But one pushy grandmother said, "She's not walking?"
I shook my head, "She's getting close but not yet."
She tsk-tsked me! "Well I can see why. You're spoiling her, carrying her around like that. That's why she's not walking yet. She doesn't have to!"
Let's just say, there weren't enough wine coolers at that party to make me tolerate any further conversation with that woman.
It's true what the books say. All babies are on their own time lines. Maybe your one-year-old isn't thinking about walking because he is figuring out difficult mathematical equations in his little head. Maybe your baby walks at nine months but won't utter a word until she's six.
And maybe your baby does it all. If that's the case, then go ahead and feel good about it, but don't share the news with random people at Starbucks.
It's not a race. If your baby is an early walker, it means that you have to childproof faster. If they're talking early, it means listening to an extra six months of gibberish. Enjoy the quiet while you still can.
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